Improving Self Esteem
Self-esteem is how we value and perceive ourselves.
It’s based on our opinions and beliefs about who we are and determined by our level of Self Love
The Power of Self Love
Self love is a transformative force that permeates every aspect of our lives, particularly our relationships. Those who truly love themselves are less likely to tolerate disrespect, mistreatment, or abuse from others. A simple self love test is to reflect on your relationships and consider how often you allow people to be unkind or disrespectful towards you, and how often you say “yes” to others when they ask something of you, when you really want to say “no.” Understanding and practicing self love is not just important; it’s a game-changer for a fulfilling and healthy life.
The Importance of Self Love
When we neglect self love, we often encounter relationship issues. Self love is not a luxury; it’s a necessity, as essential as the air we breathe. Without self love, we find ourselves constantly seeking that love from others. But here’s the hard truth: no one can give you self love; it’s something you must nurture within yourself. Self love is the bedrock upon which all other forms of love are built. Without it, we may find ourselves in a perpetual cycle of seeking validation and approval from external sources, leading to a life of disappointment and frustration.
Where does Lack of Self Love Come From?
Most of us resist loving ourselves; otherwise, we would have already learned how. There are some common reasons for not loving yourself. First, many of us are unwanted from the very moment of our conception. It’s been estimated that over 50 percent of pregnancies are undesirable or unexpected. The circumstances of our conception have a much more significant impact on us than we might think. Later, parental or authority figures’ disapproval, lack of love, validation, and attention contributes to us having low self-worth. We begin to believe we are not getting what we need because we are not worthy. This contributes to a lack of self-love. Our parents may have conveyed to us that they disapproved of our essential being instead of our behavior. Maybe they said, “You’re a slob” instead of “I don’t like this mess you made.” Personal trauma such as emotional abuse, neglect, and violence may also have played a role in our lack of self love. A decision like “I’m unlovable” made when we are a child or adolescent becomes a belief that can affect the quality of our lives whether we are thirty or sixty or ninety.
Because of the things that happed in our past, many of us have come to feel our very essence is corrupt, that our existence here is wrong, and that our existence burdens the world around us. Our self esteem has taken a beating. This is why we may feel empty inside relationships and never reasonably believe we can have the kind of love we dream about. We may unconsciously sabotage our relationships with fighting and mistrust. At work, our colleagues praise us for a job well done, but we feel like imposters. And it’s no wonder. No one can tell us we deserve love. We must feel it for ourselves.
Impact on Relationships and Self Perception
Because of these reasons, many of us feel an emptiness in relationships and doubt our worth. We may sabotage our relationships, feel like imposters, or constantly seek external validation. For example, we might stay in toxic relationships or jobs because we don’t believe we deserve better. We may struggle with feelings of inadequacy, constantly comparing ourselves to others and finding ourselves lacking. However, no one can tell us we deserve love; we must feel it for ourselves. We deserve to enjoy being loved by someone else and to know that we’re good enough just as we are. We don’t need to prove our worth to anyone. When you learn to love yourself, you will finally be free to create the life you want and love deeply.
Lack of Self Love and People Pleasing
People who don’t love themselves enough often become people pleasers. They spend significant time worrying about others’ problems and neglect their own needs, leading to anger and resentment. Chronic people pleasing is a way to avoid facing unresolved issues, keeping attention focused outward and away from personal growth. For instance, you might be the person who always helps others, saying “Yes!” to every request, and going along with what others want, often at the expense of your own needs and desires. This behavior can make you look good and agreeable, but it often creates resentment and anger inside yourself.
The Cycle of Resentment and Anger
When you constantly prioritize other people’s well-being and desires over your own, you start an internal cascade of negative feelings. Instead of feeling good about pleasing others, you start feeling worn down and taken for granted. You might think, “I’m always there when they need me. Why aren’t they there for me in the same way?” These feelings of resentment and anger can lead to chronic pain, illness, irritability, and subtle sabotage. You might find yourself snapping at your partner over something trivial or blowing up at a customer service representative. These repressed feelings are your body’s way of telling you that you need to pay attention to your own needs and emotions.
Breaking the Cycle
To break free from people-pleasing, start by asking yourself: “What do I really want?” This question helps you reconnect with your desires and reclaim your life and peace of mind. Once you access the limitless fountain of knowledge within yourself, you can create any change you want. You may be surprised by what you learn about yourself. For example, you might realize that you’ve been pursuing a career that doesn’t fulfill you or maintaining relationships that drain your energy. By focusing on your own needs and desires, you can begin making choices that align with your true self. If you’re looking to fill an emptiness inside and think that changing your external circumstances—your partner, job, house, or even your body—will bring you ultimate happiness, you are mistaken. To fill that void, you must first learn to love yourself.
The Misconceptions of Self-Love
When most people hear the advice, “You have to love yourself,” they either tune it out or reject it outright. They think it’s too “out there,” or they don’t understand what it really means. This dilemma is unfortunate because loving yourself is the very thing that can make your life better in every way. People often take misguided approaches to feeling better about themselves and their lives. These approaches don’t work because they seek love and approval elsewhere instead of from within, where it matters. For example, you may disrespect your budget and spend money on yourself because you “deserve it,” but loving yourself doesn’t mean buying nice things or treating yourself to massages, vacations, or expensive meals.
Misguided Approaches and Their Impact
People lacking self love commonly look for the next big “fix” that will allow them to feel momentarily better about their life or relationship. But the fixes never work because underneath all those treats and expenses, you still don’t love yourself and who you are at the core. You may do things for others so they won’t think you’re a bad person. You say “yes” to doing things for others when you don’t have the time or the desire because you don’t want to disappoint them. You don’t dare disagree with a friend for fear they’ll be angry with you. You often wonder how you got yourself into commitments that become giant headaches.
The Real Solution
The good news is that loving yourself doesn’t require nearly as much effort as it takes to make someone love you. And it certainly doesn’t require maxing out your credit cards to buy things you think will make you happy. Loving yourself is a much simpler process than you think, and it’s much more powerful than hearing praise from a loved one or the momentary thrill of spending money on an experience or object. It can change everything for you because loving yourself is at the core of living a happy life and experiencing close and loving relationships that thrive. When you learn how to love yourself, everything changes.
5 Steps to Greater Self Love
Loving yourself means not hiding who you are, sharing your feelings, and owning your truth. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone because you know the only opinion that matters about your self-worth is your own. When you love yourself, you accept love from others without doubt or fear, and you channel your energy into creating what you want, not protecting what you don’t want to lose. This journey involves 5 steps.
1. Become Aware Of Your Feelings and Acknowledge Them
Accept and express your emotions honestly. This might involve journaling, talking to a counselor, or having honest conversations with loved ones.
2. Set Boundaries and Stick To Them
Learn to say no and protect your well-being. This means declining social invitations that don’t interest you or speaking up when someone crosses your boundaries.
3. Prioritize Self-Care
Regularly engage in activities that nurture your mind, body, and spirit and make them one of your main priorities. This could include walking every day or exercising regularly, eating healthy, meditation, and hobbies often that bring you joy.
4. Seek Inner Validation
Focus on self acceptance rather than seeking approval from others. This involves recognizing your inherent worth, and valuing yourself regardless of external opinions.
5. Reflect on Your Needs
Regularly ask yourself throughout the day, what you need and how you can fulfill those needs. Check whether you are hungry, tired, overstimulated, bored, needing exercise, or alone time, or time in nature. Make time for rest and relaxation, pursuing personal goals, and seeking support.
These steps can be challenging. If you would like assistance implementing them, book a complimentary Discovery Call here.
Transforming Your Life Through Self-Love
Once you love yourself, your relationships will improve because you’ll no longer hide your true self from others. You’ll face challenges with honesty and integrity, allowing you to feel confident and calm around friends and loved ones. Your career and life purpose will be transformed because you’ll get clear about what you love to do and how you want to contribute to the world unapologetically. Your health and well-being will blossom as you tap into what you need to be healthy and perform better on a day-to-day basis, and you’ll have the self respect to do it.
Loving yourself can be one of the most transformative things you do that will improve all aspects of your life. But it’s a process that must start from within you, not from outside of you. As long as you look to other people or things to make you feel accepted and happy, you will never quite feel like enough. Only loving yourself can bring you the inner peace and contentment you’ve longed for. Learning to love yourself is powerful but easier than you may think. I am here to help you learn to love and accept who you are. Book a complimentary Discovery Session and see how I can assist you on this journey.